Helping a teenager through grief


AUSTRALIA – Five things they should know about grief that can help support them through this difficult process.

If you are struggling to help a teenager with their grief, know that your concern is evidence of your care. There is nothing that can make this not awful, so don’t make your aim to stop the tears, but rather to support them in what they need. Respecting their needs shows them that you believe in their ability to know what’s best for themselves. You’re doing good.

Similarly, there are some facts about grief that might help your young person manage.

1. It’s normal

Grief is the human reaction to losing someone you love, not a fault. Grief needs to be felt, not fixed. You might be angry, sad, confused, guilty, or any combination of those things and more. Find ways to express how you’re feeling — maybe writing, talking, painting, punching a punching bag, screaming into a pillow, singing, dancing, or just crying. As long as you’re not hurting anyone (yourself included) then it’s not too crazy. Do what feels right for you.

2. Grief is physically exhausting — be gentle with yourself

As well as being kind to yourself emotionally, be good to yourself physically — nourish your body, and try to get out in the fresh air. Grief is a tricky balancing act between feeling the pain and coming up for air. A change of scenery or something to distract your mind can help you to feel like you’re not drowning, renewing your energy for when the next wave of grief comes.

3. Say the things

If that makes sense to you, then it may be just what you need to hear. Say the things you wish you had said. If you have spiritual beliefs that include life beyond death, then the focus could be on saying them to the person who died — writing it out, saying it, or sending it skywards on a balloon.

It might be more important for you to express yourself to the people around you — to other people who loved the person you lost or to people who love you. Marking their death with a ritual, inviting friends to gather together, share their stories, and doing something which honours the person who died can be a way to express yourself and invite others to do the same. People often find that they have unspoken thoughts around forgiveness, saying goodbye, and love.

4. Do something in their honour

Doing something that the person who died loved to do, that you did together, or that they would be proud of, can help to build a new kind of connection with them. It can also give you a focus point. They say grief is love with nowhere to go, and having a meaningful project to work towards can give that love a destination.

5. It won’t always feel this hard

A no-longer-so-little girl I know died today. It was anticipated, but no less sad because of it. When I worked with her, her favourite things were painting nails and pulling pranks. I don’t know if it’s a professional defence mechanism, something that comes with age, or the inevitable evolution of my beliefs, but I no longer struggle with the unfairness of it.